why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
