I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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