i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
