She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
