I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
