I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize