he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
