Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
