I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
