She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
How's work?
Spinning.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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