my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Randomize