Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
