if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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