if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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