I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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