The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
