Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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