I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
