Ambien. No doubt about it.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
