can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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