When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
