were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
