i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
