one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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