i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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