My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
