Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
