Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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