Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
