I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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