I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
