i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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