What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
