I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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