i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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