I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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