so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
