she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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