I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
