life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
