If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize