I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Your cock deserves a montage
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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