all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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