WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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