I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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