So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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