just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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