EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He shit in the fireplace
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
