how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
