I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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