Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i love accidental penises.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
