she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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