You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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