My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
