I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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