You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
