can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize