One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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