Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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