I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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