You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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