I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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